At least he’s fully vetted: Obama’s presidency has already gone to the dogs.

Barack Obama will get a pooch for his daughters as a treat for them enduring the campaign (are you going to give your supporters thank-you hounds, too? Where’s the dog in every driveway promise?). The Obamas still deciding on the breed; either a Keith Doberman or a German Shepard Smith. However, the family has picked out two finalists for the pet’s name: Woof Blitzer and Anderson Pooper.

Too much baggage to carry on: Winona Ryder reportedly overdosed while on a flight to the U.K. Wednesday. She was so stoned she thought Coach was the section where people placed their purses.

High seize: A group of Somali pirates have hijacked a Saudi oil tanker and demanded $25 million for its return. If the raiders don’t receive they money, they’ll staaarve.

Next up, a line of mace from Ma$e: Diddy has launched a fragrance named “Unforgiveable.” Funny, that’s the same word critics use to describe his rapping.

Pick up the slacks: 49ers coach Mike Singletary dropped his pants during a fiery halftime speech to the team. He couldn’t think of a better way to illustrate the fly route.

Congo line: Ben Affleck is visiting refugee camps in the Congo to raise awareness of the human suffering in the war-torn African country . He even returned to the same camp he fled to after making “Daredevil.”

Wooden performance: Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, in his latest special, netted the most viewers ever for a Comedy Central show. His brand of humor has proven unique: by dummies, for dummies.

QB sneak preview: Romo loves flea flickers and flicks.

Ironically, they saw “Role Models”: Dallas QB Tony Romo observed a homeless man outside a movie theater, bought him a ticket and watched a film with him. When asked what the experience was like, Romo replied, “Sure beats taking Jessica.”

Nutty idea: Supposedly, another “Nutty Professor” movie is in the works. This is one professor that should be denied tenure.

“Signs” of haste: Actor Joaquin Phoenix announced he was quitting acting to pursue his musical interests. It won’t be the last time you’ll hear the words “Phoenix” and “retire” in the same sentence.

Leaf (self) removal: Former top NFL pick Ryan Leaf resigned from his assistant position at West Texas A&M after soliciting a player for painkillers. He wanted something to help him forget his pro career.

Beat this: A teen survived in a Miami hospital without a heart in her chest for four months. Big deal. Dick Cheney’s done it his whole life.

Touchy subject: In a post on her website, Pamela Anderson urged Barack Obama to consider castrating child molesters. The penalty is too inhumane, but perhaps Obama would agree to a psychological punishment: forcing the criminals to watch “Barb Wire” on a loop.

Words of a Savage: Cleveland Browns GM Phil Savage used an expletive in an e-mail response to a taunting fan. He swore it won’t happen again.

Nobel cause: Rosie O’Donnell said she thinks Tina Fey deserves and Nobel Peace Prize for her impression of Sarah Palin, believing it swung the election Barack Obama’s way. That’s quite a Rosie outlook (and by Rosie we mean “exceptionally idiotic”).

Now that Barack Obama has won the Presidential race, it’s time to look ahead to a few of the specific changes he hopes to implement in the coming years. Here are some of the items on his agenda, as reported by the Republican National Committee.

Merge the Boy Scouts of America with NAMBLA

Create a new cabinet position for William Ayers: Secretary of Flag Burning

Replace apple pie with arugula

Allow the Pledge of Allegiance to have corporate sponsors (one Nation, under Time Warner Cable…)

Hang a banner on the White House front lawn that reads “Terrorists Welcome, No Appointment Necessary”

Demand the Dallas Mavericks become the “Socialists” (also, owner Mark Cuban must legally alter his name to “Marx Cuba”)

Have churches double as 7-11’s (you know what would go great with the blood of Christ? Some nachos!)

Higher taxes for all white people, welfare for everyone else

Move the nation’s capitol to San Francisco

Declare soccer the nation’s national pastime

Eliminate all yellow mustard, permitting only Grey Poupon

Force cats and dogs to marry

Make our troops abroad fight with Nerf guns, substituting Laser Tag vests for flak jackets

Scrap “Hail to the Chief” in favor of “Enter Sandman”

Leave every child behind — in an unstable Kentucky mine

Put Osama bin Laden’s face on the one dollar bill and order the public to call the currency “beard bucks” or “cave cash”

John McCain’s reasons for picking Sarah Palin are obvious, but why she accepted is less clear. Turns out, she was swayed by his words. Here’s the poem he wrote to woo her:

Drill, baby, Drill!

Dear Sarah,

I don’t mean to be a creep
But if you’ll be my veep
My approval rating will leap
Plus, your youth will stave off the grim reap.

No price is too steep
I’ll even buy Todd a Jeep
Soon, in the White House you’ll sleep
Telling women about the babies they must keep.

In most ladies, I go for asses
But there’s something about those glasses
They appeal to the masses
And conceal that you’re slow as molasses.

So you don’t believe in evolution
Or know the cause of pollution
You’ll learn the tricks of politics
From a self-named maverick

Pay no regard to the press
Can’t answer a question? Just guess.
I suggest, if under duress
Blame the Dems for this mess.

As a running mate
The public need not think you’re great
Besides, even if you fail
You won’t be worse than Cheney or Quayle.

Please accept this nom
Before my body they embalm
As the kids say, “You’re da bomb”
I want to puck you, hockey mom.

Lip-locked:
Cameron won’t get on the buss.

Kirk Cameron refuses to kiss anyone but his wife in front of the camera. Directors find him to be a growing pain-in-the-butt.

Better “Late Show” than never: John McCain appeared on David Letterman and apologized for canceling an earlier appointment on the program. He called his behavior a stupid vet trick.

She probably saw a different “Hancock”: A Hollywood madame alleges that Will Smith came to her requesting male prostitues.In light of her comments, filming for his latest project, “Men in Black Leather,” has been halted.

That’s Afrotainment: Turns out “Chocolate News” is a new sketch show starring David Alan Grier, not an informercial from Hershey’s. Color us confused.

Shoo shopping: A mismatched pair, indeed.

Microscoffed: If Jerry Seinfeld wasn’t in those weird Windows ads, he’d probably be asking what the deal with them was.

Crunch time: For every stolen base in the World Series, Taco Bell is giving away a taco to customers. And for bunts, free bundt cake.

He’s having the “Best Week Ever”: Regualr BWE contributor Paul F. Tompkins will take over as the lone host of VH1’s pop culture-skewering show. The folks at “The Soup” must be stewing.
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9:04 - According to McCain, we’re angry, said it 4 times within 10 seconds. Kinda happens when you’re…ya know, poor.

9:09 - At this point I’m hoping one of the questions is “raise your hand if you want to be president. Oh, sorry John, just kidding”

9:10 - We keep talking about Joe the plumber and his small business. I’d rather hear from Mario the plumber. “Senator Obama, what will you do about the Koopa problem?”

Living (poor) in America

9:11 - Noticed McCain isn’t wearing a flag pin again. I was hoping he’d come into the debate Apollo Creed style, dressed head to toe in stars ‘n stripes, disappointed.

9:13 - We’ve been talking about Joe the plumber for the last 5 minutes. What about Sapphire the stripper. “How am I supposed to afford cosmetic surgery? I had to go half way, one boob is a DD cup, the other is only an A! I can’t even afford my nightly bath in glitter and crappy perfume!”

9:14 - Schieffer : “Aren’t you both ignoring reality?” I thought that was the point of politics

9:15 - Haven’t heard Maverick yet. There are some sober people in the country who are not happy. What are you going to do for the drunk degenerates who need a reason to drink?

9:17 - “I’d get out a hatchet, then a scalpel”. Apparently McCain is today’s answer for Daniel Boone.
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Unlike most troglodyte Americans whose idea of keeping up with the news is seeing what abomination was popped out of the crotch from the latest B celeb on Entertainment Tonight and Dancing with the Stars, I’ve tried basing my choice for the new president on more than who “talks all purty like” or scares me the most into fearing brown people. Even still, both sides make some good points and it’s hard to wade through the lies and mudslinging. So, I’m going to make my decision the best way I know: comparing the candidates to 80’s pop culture.

Closest likeness to a character from Thundercats

Barack: Panthro (the black Thundercat, clearly). Handiness around the Cat’s lair is key.
McCain: Mumm-Rah, used to living in the box, probably just as ancient. Being afraid of your own reflection is no way to take down terrorists.
Edge: Obama

Star wars characters

Rebel scum!

McCain: Emperor Palpatine - Yeah he’s evil, but wouldn’t it be fucking cool to throw lightining from your fingertips?
Obama: Lando Calrissian - Bitches out for a while, but does eventually come back to kick some ass. Poor man’s han solo, personally. What? That doesn’t make me a racist! Seriously! I have lots of black friends! I have biggie on my iPod! I loved “What’s Happening”!
Slight edge: McCain. Huge loss to my credibility with our black audience. If we had an audience.

The Goonies: More likely to go searching for treasure

McCain: Drill, baby, drill. No qualms about digging up your backyard for some pirate booty. Willing to follow One-Eyed Willie “to the gates of hell”.
Obama: Would form a committee, organize a petition, and keep his home through legislative means. Probably donate any cool ass treasures to a museum. Fuck that.
Edge: McCain
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The match game: She’s usually a set up, not setup.

Tennis star Maria Sharapova recently auctioned off a night with herself for charity for $10K. CA offers a guide to increase the winning bidder’s chances of converting Sharapova from singles life to love-all.

Do compliment her backhand, but do not pay her backhanded compliments.

Brush up on your Russian. If there’s no time, at least order a White Russian and Russian salad dressing.

Snap all photos with a Cannon camera. Nothing shows you care like remembering a woman’s sponsorships.

Avoid sharing with her your tennis porn name, Andy Rawdick.

Leave the dreidel at home. She enjoys top spin, not spinning tops.

Don’t mention the unauthorized biography of her you’re working on, “It Ain’t (Sharap)ova ‘Til the Phat Lady Swings.”

Be attentive. She’s accustomed to excellent service.

Pick up the check. The world’s wealthiest female athlete, with an annual income of between $23-26 million, shouldn’t be expected to pay the bill.

Thanks to these helpful hints, it’s Advantage: You!

Product placement has become increasingly common and apparent in movies. It’s only a matter of time before companies pay to plug themselves and their goods in the titles of films to make sure they have the consumer’s attention. Here’s a list of flicks that, when a word or two is added, function as ads:

Cold Mountain Dew

A Few Good Just For Men

Cat on a Hot Tin Red Roof Inn

Some Like It Hot Pockets

Three Men and a Baby’s ‘R Us

Bright Lights, Big Circuit City

The Burger King and I

All the President’s Men’s Warehouse

A Raisin Bran in the Sun

Annie Hallmark

Do the Right Guard Thing

How the Nine West Was Won

Clearasil and Present Danger

AllState and Main

The Terminexator

Flagging love for his country: Howard will need to have a banner year.

Mavs forward Josh Howard has been taken to task after being captured on camera disparaging the “Star Spangled Banner” before a charity game. In his defense, he thought the song was biased, since it mentioned the Rockets.

O.J. In jail: A Russian tourist visiting Dubai was imprisoned for drinking juice in public during the day while Muslim fasting was taking place. Due to the unreasonable reaction, the city has now earned the nickname “Not-So-Sunny D.”

Comma join the celebration: Today is National Punctuation Day. That explains why my colon was acting up.

He also loved “The Land Before Time”: Roger Ebert addressed reports that he’s a Creationist, saying the allegation is untrue because otherwise he never would’ve been able to give “Jurassic Park” two thumbs up.

Now that’s tubthumping: A gas canister ruptured in downtown Bath, England. Residents of Bath want to put this incident to bed & move beyond it.

Come Night fall: Another “Unbreakable” would be unbearable.

Showing “Signs” of desperation: M. Night Shyamalan is considering making a sequel to “Unbreakable.”We don’t need a “Sixth Sense” to know that’s a bad idea.

Aiken to tell the truth. People magazine broke the news that Clay Aiken is gay. Other shocking truths revealed in the latest issue: the sun rises in east, water is wet.

A Doc Rivers runs through it: President Bush welcomed the Boston Celtics, the latest NBA champs, to the White House. He said meeting the team reminded him of his school days, when he often received C’s.

Ale call: Police in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin are searching for vandals pouring beer in citizens’ mailboxes. When they’re caught, here’s the headline: Milwaukee’s Bust.

It could be met with some Venom: Marvel Comics announced that Spider-Man is being adapated into a musical. Theater-goers will have to wonder if it’s their spider sense tingling or their gay-dar.

How to tell the economy’s in the commode: Florida man Vince Denimarck has a business custom-building outhouses that sell for thousands of dollars. Up next, a show on HGTV: Trick my Toilet.

Meg forgiveness:The top trait Ryan looks for in a man is “A Beautiful Mind.”

She’s Croweing about it: Meg Ryan has admitted to having an affair with Russell Crowe. She also confesses that in bedroom he was “Master and Commander.”

Urine the wrong town: David Blaine responded to critics who think his taking ten minute breaks every hour from his hanging marathon in Central Park is cheating, saying, “I’m not going to pee all over myself to satisfy those people.” Then just disappear already.

She makes out just fine: Kate Hudson recently said “I like to prepare for love scenes with lots of rehearsal.” Too bad doesn’t put any work into her other scenes.

Babbling Brooke: Brooke Hogan, in an interview with Howard Stern, conceded she had no clue who the current Vice President is. She has Republican leanings, since she doesn’t like things to be heavily taxed. Her brain, for example.

For every innovative idea, there are many poorly-planned imitations that attempt to capitalize off the success of the original. Here are a five websites that tried to copy concepts, but met with disastrous results.

youtubesock.  Grainy videos of quirky foot coverings didn’t knock anyone’s socks off.

stuffwhitesupremacistslike.  After 10 items, the list ran dry. Not a group that’s fond of much.

icanhascheezburgerlargefriesandfountainsoda.  Pictures of cute, but exceedingly overweight cats. No one finds feline diabetes adorable.

facemagazine.  Those too shallow or without the attention span for facebook already had the perfect solution: myspace.

wickipedia. There’s only so much information that human brain can hold about candles. So far, no bloggers are waxing nostalgic about its demise.